I have a lot of judgement in me
I like to believe that I am not a judgemental person. I describe myself as such and in many ways it is true. I believe that everyone is free to be and do what they choose and more than that I believe that we are all doing the best we can with what is available to us… so that even our actions and choices reflect where we are at in our lives, not whether we are good or bad, worthy or unworthy.
I would even go as far as to say that very little shocks me and when my clients and friends, in their beautiful and admirable vulnerability share deep, revealing aspects of themselves to me, dark stories, regretful admissions and embarrassed recollections, very seldom do these details penetrate my state of non-judgement.
You may or may not be surprised then to know that the universe has fed me a rich slice of humble pie, knocking me deftly off my pretty little, DIY constructed, pedestal… the giant sign above which reads “non-judgemental Natalie” and I’m sitting in the dirt, staring up in silence.
The point is this…
I have recently learnt a lot about judgement and a lot about myself in relation to the topic. The truth is that I have a lot of judgement inside me. Most of it is directed inward and when I pay attention to what the voices inside me are saying, the judgement becomes very loud. I judge my thoughts, my feelings, my choices, the way I look, speak, behave… The list is long and the judgements are harsh.
Now let’s stop for a minute to acknowledge that this understanding of my self-judgement is not new to me. It is something that I have acknowledged before and something that I am working with on a daily basis.
The great insight that I am having in my experiences with others and in the great big un-ignorable mirror that is being held up to me, is just how much of my self-judgement I am projecting onto other people. I could blindly stay up on my pedestal and tell myself how wonderful I am in this regard but as long as I am judging me, I am going to be judging others.
In fact, my judgement of others is precisely matched to my own insecurities. My gavel moves to the same beat and when I look down on others, I am being directly led by the part of me that does not feel good enough, important enough, worthy enough.
I was recently confronted by this part of me when I found myself in the company of people, I deemed less than me. I judged them for a good amount of time, stacking myself up against them, commending myself in my superiority, in my self-satisfied smugness.
When suddenly I began to feel deeply uncomfortable in my body and in my physical presence.
My mind started telling me that “these people” were causing my discomfort. And in that thought, my judgement grew and my discomfort intensified. Until finally, having surrendered to my body and all the yuckiness it was feeling, I was met the truth:
My discomfort had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. Every bit of judgement I had been launching at them was coming from a profound vacuum of self-worth sitting in deep in the dark of my belly.
And now that I have seen the truth, I cannot un-see it. Not only that, but now I’m seeing it everywhere and I’m watching this movie play out in so many areas of my life. It feels like I’ve subscribed to a channel I don’t really like, but I can’t stop watching.
In responding to the universe and its poetic justice, I have made 2 decisions:
1) To surrender and humbly watch as my life shows me my flaws and offers me opportunities to trust instead of judge and to look at every-one I encounter with a lot more compassion and understanding. To add to this, I also deserve compassion and understanding so I’m trying my very best to give myself more of both.
2) To address this “self-worth” thing that is clearly still “a thing”. And this writing project, or rather, this sharing project that I am doing, in inviting you into my thoughts, has begun. It has been on my agenda for some time but because of the vacuum I mentioned earlier, it is constantly delayed by the excruciating cringe that sets in when I imagine other people reading/judging my work. And yes, I do see the irony here.
Nevertheless, here I am fighting the cringe and posting anyway… the beginning of what I hope will be a fulfilling journey.
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